The Hobbit

Bullseyes:  ③ (out of 5)

I didn’t read The Hobbit because it was too long and it looked boring and I have the concentration span of a goldfish. Tolkien fans are always harping on about the movie being true to the book and in that sense I think it’s fair to say the movie is true to the book. It’s long and it’s boring.

The first third is protracted. Blah blah blah lots of quirky hobbits don’t they eat a lot, what are they doing here, when is this f***g movie going to start? And then it gets going.

I wasn’t that invested in the plot to be honest. The dwarfs have lost their home to a dragon who’s wallowing in all their gold, OK…so find somewhere else to live! There certainly seemed to be enough land to go around – why didn't they just build some more huts?

The quest was well filmed and the casting was great, but many of the sequences were overly long. Why have the rock monster fight if no-one dies? I thought the whole point of a story was that if something happens it has to affect the plot, or else we have to learn something? If we go through a mountainous area and almost die but we don’t die and nothing really changes then why bother including that scene? Ka-ching, another 10 minutes of my life gone by... Directors need to start keeping movies to 90 minutes or else give me a good reason to keep squirming in my seat (some of us have weak bladders you know).