Oscar Ceremony Review

I suppose that in order to review the Oscar ceremony I really should have watched it…? Sort of like the nominated movies themselves?

Well, hey - I did!  Er, almost.

You see what happened was I cancelled my cable a few weeks back so my wife and I had to catch the show on-line.  And you know that never works.  So instead we spent most of the evening staring at the little buffer circle going round and round and round…

Wee…!

From what we did see though it looks as if we didn’t miss too much.  The red carpet show was…

Awkward! 

It always is, isn’t it?  That red carpet conveyor shuffling along the hapless mannequins…

Blah blah blah, question?

Blah blah blah, Armani.

Ha ha ha!  Next!

The gormless looking plus ones, rabbit eyeing the camera, shuffling off to the side trying to look as invisible as they are.

And what of the host, poor Seth whatshisname, yikes – what happened there?

I was really rooting for Seth.  I always hope for the host.  I want them to recapture the lustre of Oscars of old.  But they never quite manage it. Billy Crystal attempted to reprise his MC magic last year.  But all he did was confirm something we all knew - his moment had past. 

But maybe Seth could bring back the gold?

Or maybe not.

I missed McFarland’s opening monologue, but when the internet wheel finally stopped spinning we were greeted with:

‘Getting nominated for an Oscar is something a 9 year old can do’

Ha ha!…Uh?

And:

‘The only person who truly got inside Abraham Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth’

Oh...

What was Seth thinking?  How was that Lincoln gag ever going to work?  The cast of one of the most revered best picture nominees – which was little more than a 2 ½ hour adoration of Abe’s awesomeness – is sitting in the front row and you try to burn the man down?  That’s like celebrating the biopic of Princess Di then laughing about car crashes in front of her kids…

…Thud.

The presenters and the acceptance speeches didn’t fare much better either.  The celebs, stuttering through the autocue, squinting at it like a bad smell.  Hey - that’s me you’re cringing at!  And come on winners - at least try to make the speeches entertaining. Christ - there’s a billion people watching! (or at least trying to…spin, spin, spin).

The James Bond tribute was weird.  A fluffy montage followed by a gold-sequined Shirley Bassey.  Sure the old girl can still sing, but yikes – she must be a hundred.  I don’t know about you but old people make me nervous, like they’re going to croak any minute.

We stopped watching when the 50^th no name nomination came up.

“And now the award for best make-up effects editing”

“What’s that?”

“No idea”

Click.

The boring awards suck the life out of the Oscars.  Nobody clicks on the box to watch a bunch of nobodies.  Unless we’re watching the Kardashians.  Surely the producers know this?  Do they really think we care?

“Darling!  The award for best wig is up!”

“Great, I hope Goldstein gets it!”

The nominees at least, should be aware of their irrelevance. 

‘Just run on the stage, say something funny, and fuck off’ the producers should bark at them, as they cue the Jaws music to start, just as they lean towards the mic…

“I’d like to thank…”

De de de! 

I read a couple of Oscar reviews the day after the show.  The Toronto Star’s Peter Howell lamented the loss of Oscar gloss, then went on to suggest that the ceremony should, ‘be true to what it really wants to be’ which is, apparently, an upper class ape of the Globes. 

No! 

The Oscars is not the Globes.  The reason I watch them is because they strive to be something more than frivolous, something elegant, classy - a link to our illustrious past. 

Howell also suggested they replant Globe hosts Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

Never!

I love these ladies but come on - the Oscars demand a little more class.  My wife suggested Martin Short as a future host which I think is a great idea.  Short is funny, elegant, weird and nostalgic – perfect!

Well, whoever hosts the show next year I only hope I can be bothered to watch, because right now the gleam is getting a little lean.  But who knows, if this damned circle ever stops spinning I might give them another whirl.

Spin, spin, spin…

Wee…!

Stupid fucking internet.