Sunday 6 July 2014

22 Jump Street

Bullseyes:  ③ (out of 5)

The thin-then-fat-then-thin-then-fat-again bloke from SuperBad and actor from, er, 21 Jump Street have teamed up once again to make the obligatory sequel. This time the dumb nuts go to college to bumble their way through another drug investigation.

Even though we’ve seen this all before the movie pays off. It pays off because the chemistry is right and the comic timing is tight. There’s a line near the beginning of the movie where the boss - rapper Ice Cube – points to his swanky new office in the middle of the room.

“Ooh that’s nice” says the fat one.

“Yeah” says the pretty one, “it’s sort of like a big block of ice shaped like a…square”

Ha ha.

By the way, don’t read that joke if you haven’t seen the movie - it’ll spoil it.

The mayhem and banter are by the book but you love this movie because it pokes fun at itself so we don’t have to.

“Oh look” says SuperBad as he stares at the new complex going up across the street -  ‘23 Jump Street, Coming Soon!’ – "perhaps we can move in there next?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself” says smooth dude, averting his eyes from the camera.

Ha ha again.

Oh don’t read that joke if you haven’t see the movie, it’ll spoil it.


Bullseyes:  ③ (out of 5)

Walter White was never going to top his Heisenberg persona and for sure nobody will be saying his name after this. Hell, I can’t even remember what his character is called. But it doesn’t matter because he fails to stop the monster anyway and gets bumped off early on so we can concentrate on the sexy CGI.


Godzilla is good blockbuster fodder. It isn’t remotely memorable or amazing - I’m writing this 6 weeks after watching it and racking my brains trying to remember what happened, but it's good entertainment. I think. Hmm, now let me see…

Rack, rack…

There was a ruckus in Japan…a swim to America…Monsters in Vegas then a bout in… some city near the sea (New York? LA?). Oh and Walter White’s son running around shouting… I think he might have saved the day?

Phew that was exhausting. 

Mental note: Next time write the review right after seeing the movie.


Bullseyes:  ③ (out of 5)

I wasn’t too sure about watching Neighbours but my wife persuaded me:

‘We need some brain candy’ she said, as I stuffed the bag of mega M&M's into my coat pocket.

For one thing I was thinking that SuperBad cop bloke’s shtick has been done to death. The cutesy dialogue, the beer gut, the laugh…yeah yeah we get it.  And Zak Effron, I keep expecting him to break into a dance.

But, well - Neighbours turned out to be OK.

Watching the late show with a gaggle of Frat Boys and Co-Eds certainly added to the amusement. It was like we were laughing twice. Once at the jokes and again at the kids roaring behind us.   

In the end my brain got the sugar rush it was after. Or maybe that was the mega bag of M&M’s...?

Non Stop

Bullseyes:  ③ (out of 5)

Didn’t I write a review for this already? Christ I have to start keeping up. I’m not a very good blogger. The internet is a pain.

Non Stop is about Liam Neilson getting drunk whilst trying to save a plane. It starts with the stock ooh-my-marriage-and-my-life-are-unraveling footage. You know the shots: Flask of whisky, Stubbled chin, nasty phone call with the wife… Yeah yeah, your life is unravelling we get it. You’ve got nothing left to lose.

Fortunately this nonsense doesn’t take up too much of our time and soon we are up in the air scratching our heads along with Air Marshall Neilson who struggles to understand why he keeps getting texts about unexploded bombs…(curiously we never do get to find out how they pulled this off).

The ending winds down weakly. The CGI crash at the end is crap. It’s like watching a black and white disaster movie – c'mon Dorothy, call that a tornado? The plane crash from Alive – filmed 20 years before – was better than this. Also, the bombers motivation is ludicrous. Something about not enough terrorism and maintaining jobs for homeland security…? Yeah right.

I can’t remember what else happens because, like I said, it was a long time ago and I’m not a very good blogger.

Hold Fast

Bullseyes:  ② (out of 5)

There was bugger all on at the movies in April wasn’t there? My wife and I got so desperate we had to go watch a Canadian movie. Imagine that! 

Hold Fast tells the story of a Newfoundland teenager who loses his parents and has to move in with his cousin, Aunt and Uncle. Uncle Gordy is not much fun though so Newfie Boy runs away with his cousin to go frolic in the east coast countryside.

I was looking forward to this movie so I could enjoy some stunning scenery but I was little disappointed. There’s a few too many scenes in the suburbs, at the local airport and at the strip mall. It all made me think that everywhere in the world is starting to look the same. Never-the-less this movie was nice enough despite some stilted scenes they forgot to take out.

You wonder if stilted scenes would ever find their way into a Hollywood movie?  It’s as if the Director watches it and says, ‘Ah leave it in, it’s only a Canadian movie eh?’.

For the record I have no idea why this movie is called Hold Fast. Perhaps it’s a Newfie expression…? 

The Lunchbox

Bullseyes:  ④ (out of 5)

Now here is a lovely little movie. Bored wifey makes lunch for numpty hubby. Lunch gets mis-delivered to bored stranger. Bored stranger and bored wifey send heartfelt notes to each other.
Numpty hubby has an affair.

The bastard!

Stanger and wifey try to meet. they?

No they don’t.

You probably should read any of that if you haven’t seen the movie, it might spoil it.

Blue Ruin

Bullseyes:  ④ (out of 5)

Blue Ruin is one long slow simmer of a movie. The suspense builds right from the get-go when we learn that the main character, a homeless dude living out of his ‘Blue Ruin’ shit box of a car, is faced with the release of his wife and kid’s killer…

What’s he going to do?

The action is deliberate and mostly wordless. And why not? Why do we need words anyway when our actions are all that count?

Wow that was profound.

By the end of the movie there is the sense that everything was inevitable and yet, nobody won. A lot like life then, right?

Wow, I’ve blown my mind…

Le Week End

Bullseyes:  ① (out of 5)

Christ, does this movie ever try too hard to be liked. It’s like that kid at school who kept bringing in sweets. The problem is this movie is not likeable it’s a dick. It is tiresome, tacky and wholly unoriginal. Hell, they are so desperate for affection they even throw in a cutesy off-the-wall dance routine for the main characters to enjoy – aw isn’t that quaint? No wait it isn’t. It’s right out of Pulp Fiction! Shame.

It wouldn’t have mattered if Bridget Jones’ Dad and that woman I saw in something once were actually doing something meaningful because of the one scene in the middle. Have you ever seen a movie which gets sunk by one scene? I’m thinking King of the world here.  Yeah it’s that bad. 

Picture this:

Bridget Jones’ Dad is on his knees staring up the skirt of his pretty, yet elderly, wife. She opens up her legs while Daddy begs her to, ‘please, please! Let me sniff it’.

Oh Christ. Thank God I’d finished my popcorn.