Monday, 28 November 2011

Warhorse

Bullseyes:  ① (out of 5)
Why oh why did I see War Horse...?! It is probably the stupidest movie of the year. Here's a snippit in case you're thinking of seeing it:

Scene 1:
"Ooh that is an amazing horse!" (thick, dorky Dorset accent)
"Yes isn't it brilliant?"
"Brown and everything"
"Yes, a lot like a horse"
"But not just any horse!"
"No!"

Later:
"Oh, please don't take mar horse!"
"Sorry son. There's a wur on"
"Sniff sniff bye Joey"
"Neigh"

Then:
Gallop, gallop, boring horse scenes

And Later:
Gallop, gallop, boring horse scenes

Eventually:
"OK Captain. That's enough galloping. I think he's ready for war now"
"Great! I wonder what's going to happen next?"
"Probably a lot of contrived nonsense with a rousing soundtrack so we might not notice"
"Will there be any kids on bikes?"
"Huh?"
"Er nothing"

Somewhere in France:
Gallop gallop, neigh, watch out for the Germans!, gallop, bang, neigh
"Ve must shoot this horse!"
"Nine Capitan! It is so beautiful"
"Yes, and brown"
"Yes. Like a horse"
"OK let it live"
"Great"

A few gallops later:
"Oh la la look what I found in ma barn!"
"It's a horse"
"Yes"

Back at the front:
"Fritz! Get ya horse to pull this impossibly large cannon up ze top of zis hill"
"But it vill never make it Capitan"
"Don't vorry. Ve have a rousing soundtrack to help it on it's way"
"Ya Capitan!"

One rousing soundtrack later:
"Way aye man. What's that in middle of no mans land like?"
"It's a horse Gazza. Why don't you walk out there with a white flag and rescue it?"
"Because that would be stupid and completely improbable, like"
"Gazza, this is a Speilberg movie"
"A'm on me way"

2 hours and one emptied out theater later:
Thick, dorky, Dover accent: "What's that clopping noise?"
"Well that would be a horse, obviously"
"Is it mar horse?"
"You mean your horse as opposed to any of the other thousands of horses over here?"
"Yes"
"Wait, is this a Speilberg movie?"
"Yes"
"Then probably"

I won't tell you anymore in case I spoil the movie. Enjoy!

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